**warning: this is an angry, snarky post**
Dear (Certain, Select) Straight Folks,
I love you all. I wouldn't be alive to type this blog post if it weren't for you. But I saw something this morning that really threw me for a loop. I've heard about it in the abstract, heard it mentioned off-handedly as a joke. I didn't think it was real, to tell you the truth. Apparently I was wrong. This is what I saw this morning:
Before I begin my formal argument, we need some definitions. Well, strike that. We only need one definition. What is "pride"? According to the New Oxford American Dictionary, pride is defined as "a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction from one's own achievements [or from] the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated...."
"Achievements."
What are some other things we are proud of, to help us understand each other? I was proud when I was offered a contract to dance with the Milwaukee Ballet Company. I had been working since I was nine years old to become a ballet dancer. I had ballet classes six days a week. I worked my tail off. I pushed and sweated and cried and strained. And then it all paid off. I was so proud of my students at their Senior Showcase last week. They had been working on research projects for six months. Their projects went through several stages and iterations; they wrote a major research essay; they came up with personal brands and had to learn to empathize with their audience in order to figure out how best to appeal to them. They struggled A LOT along the way. They whined and moaned and complained. But they made it! And they did great. A husband and wife can be proud of the shed that they built themselves. They took a blueprint and, after 47 hours of physical labor, built a shed from the ground up. At one point, they discovered that an entire wall had been nailed together backwards. They almost gave up. But they persisted. A father might say, "I am the proud father of five wonderful children." He was there at their births. He held them as they cried at night. He fed them. He taught them their colors. He saw them through cuts and scrapes and flushing everyone's toothbrushes down the toilet. It wasn't easy, but now they're all moved out and starting lives of their own.
Achievements. Hard work. Persistence.
I have gay pride. I was teased as a child. My religion taught me that I was an abomination. I felt cut off from all the other boys my age because I felt so different from them. My mother told me that I would never find any happiness "in this lifestyle." I lived with deep shame for years and years and internalized all the world's homophobia to the point that I felt like I was dirty and foul and undeserving of anyone's love. But I overcame all that. I have realized that I am perfectly fine. I am valid. I am good and beautiful and totally deserving of love.
For decades and centuries, gay people have had to fight for their survival. Hitler shipped gays and lesbians off to concentration camps. There are 75 countries, CURRENTLY, that criminalize consensual sex between two people of the same sex. Gay teens are bullied, beaten, killed, kicked out of their homes to survive on the streets, and ostracized from the communities they love.
And you think that because I have gay pride, you "deserve" to have straight pride as well? Please tell me how hard you've worked to uphold your place in heterosexual society. Tell me how difficult your life as a straight person has been. Tell me what you have achieved through your straightness. Tell me about all the struggles you've had because of your sexuality.
Current estimates tell us that anywhere from 90-95% of the population is heterosexual. You, my friends, are officially the oppressors. You are the majority. I'm sorry, but you are not allowed to have straight pride. You don't get that privilege. You have not achieved anything at all. The oppressor does not get to have pride in the thing that has made him the oppressor. The oppressed bond together and form pride as a result of their ACHIEVEMENTS against the majority that tries to blot them out, take away their rights, hurt them, and extinguish them. The slaves in America got to have have pride in themselves because they survived the utter brutality of their owners. Did their owners have the right to look at that and say, "Yeah, well I have plantation owner pride!" The very thought is disgusting. (Please note that I am not at all equating the experiences of a gay person to those of a slave.)
Then again, I suppose it can be argued that you have achieved lots because of your sexuality: you have successfully made laws that keep me from marrying the person I love. You have made laws that keep me from adopting the children that I so long to love and raise. There are places with laws that allow you not to serve me because I'm gay. There are places that allow you to fire me or kick me out of my apartment for being gay. These are major achievements. Are these the things you will actually admit to being proud of when you say that you have straight pride?? I sincerely hope that is not the case.
So, we can take pride in the things we accomplish. We can take pride in the things we work and persevere through. We can take pride in the things we achieve. We cannot take pride in the things that are handed to us without any work. We cannot take pride in the things that make us the powerful majority. We cannot take pride in the things that we have used for centuries to hurt others.
Sorry, but it is indeed "intolerant and bigoted" to have straight pride. No. That doesn't even begin to describe it. Saying you have straight pride is, I think, the most blatantly arrogant thing I can even conceive. You have no idea what pride is. You have no concept of what I have had to fight through my entire life. And if we are to be totally honest here, you're only saying that you have "straight pride" because you don't like gay people and all the ruckus they're making about their rights and equality. Your straight pride is nothing more than disdain for gay people.
You should be proud of your children. Be proud of the job you worked so hard to get. Be proud of the marathon you complete. Be proud of the three-tiered wedding cake you make.
But you don't get to be proud to be straight. Pride just doesn't work that way.
I did not find anything angry or snarky about your post. I found it to be well written, ideas articulated perfectly, and I applaud you for writing this. This is clearly one of the most dynamic blog posts I have read in a very long time. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI am humbled by your compliment, Duck. Thank you. :)
DeleteThis is definitely one of the more misguided opinion posts I've ever read. "Pride" has absolutely nothing to do with struggle in the context of 'Straight Pride" and claiming as much proves your inability to see outside your "I'm gay and you'll never understand me" bubble. This by the way, coming from the perspective of an out and proud gay man. Next you'll be saying that I'm not allowed to be gay and proud because I was born a man and that's not an achievement. What a bunch of hogwash.
ReplyDeleteDrew, while I appreciate your perspective, I'm not totally sure that you understand mine. I'm not sure what your experiences as a gay man have been, how you were raised, what school was like for you, etc. But it was very difficult at times for me. In this post, I sought to define exactly what "pride" is. Through that definition, I showed that to have pride solely in one's straightness is a misnomer because there is no achievement in simply being straight. Straight people, as I point out, can and should be proud of billions of things, but simply being straight should not be one of them. As far as my "bubble" is concerned, I have had straight people tell me what I'm feeling inside for as long as I can recall. It is straight people who make laws and decisions about gay people. It is straight people who preach that gay people should be celibate. You're right, I DO believe that they'll never truly understand what it's like to be gay. They will never understand what it feels like to be called an abomination. They will never know what it feels like to have my mother tell me that I will never be happy. (Correction: they might very well know what these things feel like, but never in the context of their sexuality.) If that is a bubble, then so be it. It is my truth. And you are incorrect in your statement that I will be telling you that you can't be gay and proud because you were born a man. That, my friend, is hogwash. You should be proud of your gayness, if not because of your own struggles, then certainly because of the struggles of countless others before you who suffered and/or died to make your life as a gay person easier. As far as your being a man, in and of itself, that is not something to be proud of since you have not had to overcome or achieve anything because of your sex. Men, as anyone knows, are the privileged ones in society. You're attempting to join two things together that do not go together, as far as the argument I'm making in this post goes (being gay and being a man). Your argument is the same as saying, "Next you'll be saying that I can't be proud of graduating college with high honors because I'm white." It seems as though this is more of a semantic distinction for you, one in which you perhaps have a different definition of pride than I do. If that is the case, then nothing that you and I say to each other will make any difference.
DeleteThe issue here is one of "privilege" more than of "pride." I am just as uncomfortable when someone waves around a badge of "white pride" as I am of people waving around a badge of "straight pride" When someone is coming from a place of privileged it is inappropriate to wave that in others faces. More than that it is shaming and damages the vulnerable and causes even greater inequity. I feel like there are those who are are playing at martyrdom and persecution in relation to their views on human sexuality, as our LGBTQ brothers and sisters stand up and request/demand equity. What they are actually experiencing is a loss of privilege. While a loss of privilege is painful it is nothing like the persecution that many in the LGBTQ community have faced. To compare the two as equal is wrong and should stop. As a person of privilege (white, hetro, active LDS) my only job is to stand up for and help lift others to an equal footing in the world, so that we can all work together to get to higher ground as humans. Then and only then do I get to wave a badge around.
ReplyDeleteThe problem here, it seems, is that your definition of "pride" is pretty narrow. I think your points are all valid, but anchoring them on one definition of pride that is not necessarily universal will lead to some confusion or disagreement.
ReplyDeleteSure, you chose one definition of pride from the OED -- wait, um, no you didn't. At least, not the current OED. The current OED starts with "A high, esp. an excessively high, opinion of one's own worth or importance which gives rise to a feeling or attitude of superiority over others; inordinate self-esteem" and moves to "Arrogant, haughty, or overbearing behaviour, demeanour, or treatment of others, esp. as exhibiting an inordinately high opinion of oneself" to "A consciousness of what befits, is due to, or is worthy of oneself or one's position; self-respect; self-esteem, esp. of a legitimate or healthy kind or degree" and then reaches "A person of whom, or thing of which, any person or group of people is proud; that which causes a feeling of pride in its possessor" before finally arriving at "The feeling of satisfaction, pleasure, or elation derived from some action, ability, possession, etc., which one believes does one credit."
Note that last definition, how it makes "pride" the result of a possession or action or ability. One might argue that straight-ness is a possession about which one might feel some pride. It's valid, at least based on the OED definition.
Now, to be clear, your points are valid. And the social circumstance in which someone claims "straight pride" is problematic because the pride of the dominant class tends toward (but does not necessary cause) oppression. It is a dangerous position.
I'm not disagreeing with your logic, only with your misuse (and apparent misquotation) of a dictionary.
Thank you for your comment, and you are totally right! I just checked the dictionary I used and it was the New Oxford American Dictionary and not the OED. I have since corrected this mistake in my post.
DeleteI realize that my definition is narrow and may not reflect a universal understanding. This is a major downfall of basing any argument on a definition, as words can have so many meanings, and submeanings, and layers of connotative meanings. As an English teacher, I am well aware of this pit fall. I used this definition as the basis of my argument solely for simplicity's sake, to establish a starting point from which I could base my examples. I realize the limiting effect that using a single definition has on my argument, and I sincerely thank you for pointing out my mistake. :)
Addenda to my previous comment: please forgive my assertion that you misquoted the dictionary. Further research reveals that you only misnamed it. Your definition is from the New Oxford AMERICAN Dictionary (built in to the Mac OS, but also available in print). The Oxford English Dictionary is a very different beast. I'm sorry if it sounded like I was accusing you of making up your definition.
ReplyDeleteMy point about the elasticity of word meanings stands, however.