Meeting With the Bishop (*cue dramatic music)

What a day I've had.

From my first sacrament meeting back at church, I wanted to have an opportunity to sit and talk with the bishop, one-on-one. I wanted him to know who I was, what I had been through, and why I had been absent from the church for so long. I also wanted to know if I would be welcomed at church, or if I would feel the same exclusion and judgment I had felt in my early years.

Last week, the bishop practically ran up to me after sacrament meeting and asked if it would be okay if the bishopric stopped by my house to visit. I said "Of course," while also fearing what would be asked and said at this meeting. I asked for advice from the amazing people of Mormons Building Bridges, and I got so much love and support from them. It was especially nice because I got the advice from them that I was also feeling inside: I should keep things simple and save anything earth-shattering for my meeting with just the bishop.


That meeting with the three of them was fine. They asked about me and my life on a general level, about where I'm from, my family, my job, my interests, etc. The question was eventually and timidly broached, "So you told me a couple weeks ago that you hadn't been to church since high school. Is there a reason for that?" I said that I would prefer to save the heavy stuff for my meeting, but told them that I had experienced a disconnect emotionally.

All week, I have been freaking out about what I was going to say at my meeting with the bishop. Last night, as I was thinking, it occurred to me that I should just read him my blog post from yesterday, as it pretty clearly spells out the essence of my "issues." So I did this, reading only the parts I felt were most related to our discussion. After I finished, hands trembling, heart in my throat, legs bouncing, I added on and told him in detail about how, all my life, I had been told by the Church that I was evil, bad, an abomination, a sinner, unnatural, and that I would never, ever find happiness in this "lifestyle." He listened intently, watching me and nodding his head when appropriate. I made reference to all the Mormon Stories podcasts I've been listening to recently, and the various blogs and articles I've been reading. I talked about how a whole new world has opened up that I never knew existed, a world wherein gay people were still active in the Church and actually happy to be there!

When I finished, he asked if I was familiar with the Church's Mormonsandgays website. (Yes, I discovered that shortly after it launched.) "Have you been on there recently?" he asked. I told him it had been a while, and then he told me that he goes on there "periodically" to see if there is anything new or different. This was, of course, a joyful shock that he took that kind of interest and initiative. I told him that I have been finding a lot of comfort going to the Affirmation website. He hadn't heard of Affirmation, but he seemed interested in who they are and what they do.

He then reflected for a moment and asked, "So are you seeking a way to reconcile your sexuality to the Church, or are you looking for a way to reconcile living a gay lifestyle with also being active in the Church?" I responded, "That depends on how you define the word lifestyle." He chuckled a little and then said that he meant being in a relationship and having sexual intercourse. We proceeded to have a conversation about how love and intimacy are necessary for all humans. I told him that what I will feel for my husband is no different than what anyone else feels, basically summarizing what Bryan Hendrickson said in his amazing essay on No More Strangers. I told him that I want all the same things everyone else wants, love and intimacy, companionship, children: A family. He nodded his head throughout, but not in that patronizing way that some get. He seemed genuinely interested and like he really wanted to understand what I was saying and feeling.

He made reference many times to the feelings of shame and self-loathing that so many gay people have. I could hear the empathy in his voice and in his body language. I knew that this was a man I could open up to and listen to and respect.

Never at any point in our conversation did he give any prescriptive rules or doctrines. He never once told me that I needed to change or be alone. He never referred to my sexuality as a "struggle," nor did he make reference to "sin," "sinfulness," or "chastity." Ultimately, he told me that God has a plan for each of us. Earlier in the conversation I had made reference to the section of Joseph Smith's teachings that says, "Our heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and boundless in His mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive." He brought us back to that point and told me that in addition to each of us having our own plans, there is still so much of what's out there that we do not know, that we (as a people) aren't ready to know. He didn't say it, but I really felt like he was tiptoeing the line of saying that there was a definite possibility that the church doesn't know everything there is to know about human sexuality. He reiterated that my path in life was between me and God, and that I should rely on personal revelation to dictate that path to me. 


He asked if I would mind meeting with him again in two weeks. He asked that I do some scripture study and try to find parts of the scriptures that will help me answer some of the big questions I have about who I am inside and how that person relates to The Divine. He said he would do the same and that he was also wanting to know what was out there, how I interpret what I find, and what is actually said about this topic. Any ideas on where to start? I know there are some great scripture references that are often used to show God's unconditional love, how He alone knows what is in our hearts, etc. I would greatly appreciate any help, as I have not actively read the scriptures since probably grade school.

At the end of the meeting he said, "I'm speaking not as a bishop here, but if you don't have any plans with friends or family, I would like to invite you to our home for Thanksgiving. Really! You should join us if you're free." Wow. 

When I got home, I called my mom, whom I knew would be waiting on tenterhooks to know how it all went. She texted that she was in church and I responded that she should call me when she got done. Well, my phone rang about 12 seconds later. I told her what happened, and I could hear her crying on the other end. Dang it, Mom!! She said that she was so happy that things had gone so well. Then she said something that blew me away. "So what is this Mormons Building Bridges group? Where are they at?" I told her about the group, as best as I could, and said that they are all over the place. "So," she said, "is this something I could join then?" My heart almost exploded right then and there. "Of course, Mom, if you want to."