The Opposite of Schadenfreude

If schadenfreude is feeling pleasure at someone else's misfortune, what is it called when one feels pain at someone else's good fortune?

It seems strange, doesn't it, to feel pain when seeing someone else's happiness? It's even stranger when the people who are happy are people whom you hold in the highest regard, people who have been influential, have been role models, or have otherwise been positive influences in your life. These are people whose happiness should inspire nothing but happiness in all those who see them. But it's hard to be happy for others sometimes.

Call it selfishness. Call it callousness. Call it bitterness. Call it being human.

Please don't get me wrong: These are all people I love and respect, and OF COURSE I am genuinely glad that they are getting married, having/adopting children, getting engaged, buying a house with their partners, finding wonderful boyfriends. They deserve all the love and joy they are experiencing.

But there is a distinct and nagging part of me that wants to cry every time I see a picture of a baby on Facebook, a post about someone's super awesome and romantic date with his boyfriend, a friend's engagement pictures, or congratulatory posts about someone's wedding.

I've gone through so much in the past year and a half. I've looked deep inside myself and confronted so many demons. I've fought to discover who I really am, to live with honesty, integrity, and authenticity. I feel ready for something more now. I finally feel ready, truly ready, to take on the next big step in my life, ready to date, ready to fall in love. And maybe it is only because I have been in that frame of mind, but it seems that in the past year-or-so, my Facebook news feed has been a never-ending display of others having and experiencing all the things I don't have and am not and can't experience. Facebook has been a daily reminder that I am a 37-year old who is flawed, living in the sewing room in his mom's house, and single.

I am not meaning to seem arrogant at all when I say this, but finding prospective boyfriends has never been a problem for me in the past. Granted, I was on any number of dating sites and apps, all of which I have since removed myself from. I guess I stupidly thought that after taking time to myself and once I was ready, the universe would see fit to bring something about that I had heretofore tried to force or bring about myself.

Last fall, there were several times, while driving to various places, that I would have the distinct feeling that "something" was coming, that "something" was going to happen, that wonderful things were just around the corner. It was an odd feeling, one that started in my stomach and spread, almost like tickling fingers, up through my chest and down my arms. Sometimes a song would come on when my iPod was on shuffle that would make me wonder why that particular song would come on just at the same moment I was wondering about my future. I kept a fortune from a fortune cookie stuck to the mirror in my room that said, "True love is around the corner." I looked at it every day. At first, I saw it as a sign, and I felt joy each day when I would see it. Then, as months passed, I began to wonder if the universe had a different definition of "around the corner" than I did. And then, eventually, it just hurt me to look at and I took it down and dropped it into the garbage. It seemed that love was just around the corner for everyone except me.

It's no secret that I have been struggling since moving back to AZ, so I am certain that these feelings stem, in part at least, from this. But there they are. I am so very happy that people in my life are finding love, having children, and buying houses. I love you all, and I consider it a special blessing to have you as role models and as inspiration. But I have to admit to some degree of jealousy. I have to admit that there is a guilt-inducing voice inside me that says, "When will it be my turn?" when I see all your pictures and see all your posts. I want to be able to rejoice with you, to smile and laugh with you. But I can't help but feel like a race has started, the gun shot has gone off, and I, with my feet superglued to the starting line, am watching helplessly while everyone else dashes further and further ahead of me.