Meet my mom!

My mom agreed to be interviewed for my blog! What a sweet gal, huh? 

She and I have been on quite a journey together over the past eighteen years since I came out. We've had highs and lows, for sure. There were times, especially right after I came out, that I didn't know if we would ever be able to patch things up and return to the easy, loving, fun relationship that we once knew.

My mom and I at my college graduation

It was the hardest thing I've ever done to come out to my parents. My mom handled it very differently than my dad (stay tuned for an interview with my dad in the near future!), and watching as she slowly changed, grew, and blossomed has been one of the biggest joys and blessings in my life. There is a song I love that reminds me of my mom's changes. It's called, "I Have Made Mistakes," and it's by The Oh Hello's. (video at the end) The chorus has a line that says, "The sun, it does not cause us to grow. It is the rain that will strengthen your soul." Every gay person dreams of that instantly accepting and approving parent when he or she makes the decision to come out of the closet, but it really is through the rainy times that we grow the most; this is true for both the person coming out as well as for the parent of a gay child.

What follows are questions I emailed to my mom. My responses and additional thoughts after her answers are in bold.

How would you describe your current relationship with Justin?

We are very close. Possibly closer now than ever before. After the death of my oldest son [in early June], things seemed to start changing for him. He became aware of how he had felt about himself. I never dreamed all these years that he hated himself. I thought he was footloose and fancy free being "himself" finally. I was mistaken. We talked a lot but never about this. Talking to him and seeing his excitement at finally being able to say he loved himself and watching the "flower blossom" has been a beautiful thing. I was worried for years about how angry he sounded. I didnt know how to help him, but God works in mysterious ways, and this journey has been beautiful for both of us. It has opened up a new world to me that I never knew existed like Affirmation, MBB [Mormons Building Bridges], etc.




How would you describe Justin as a child?

He was a very good student. VERY Creative! I could give him a pad of construction paper and a roll of tape and he would be busy for hours and hours building his little city and creating all kinds of things. He would always stand on a chair beside me when I cooked so he could learn how to do it and help me. He loved music, drawing and I might say, very creative.....sometimes in not a good way! [Once, he was] so busy outside, he just pooped in the middle of the street instead of coming in the house.    (Umm... I feel I need to tell everyone that I was maybe two years old when this incident happened. When one is busy playing "Charlie's Angels" with his friend, how can one stop to go into the house to use the bathroom? And it wasn't in the middle of the street. It was right next to my dad's police car.)  I guess I was so very oblivious. It never occurred to me that he was gay. I never wondered. I just thought he would be such a very good Daddy because he loved children and was a good babysitter.

Did you notice changes in him as he grew older?

As he got into his teens, I noticed a lot of depression, very quiet and withdrawn sometimes. He would never tell me what was wrong. I was worried but didn't know what to do other than talk to him. In his teens he danced at a ballet school and had so many wonderful girl friends. One in particular he was very close to. I think all the girls loved him because he was sensitive, kind, complimentary, kind of unlike some guys. He would have lots of girls come over. Not very many boys, [but] I figured that was because all of his time was spent at the dance studio and most of his friends were girls. By the time he was a senior in high school, there was a lot more depression and unhappiness. He wanted to move to another town to finish school. He said it was because there was a dance studio there he wanted to attend. It ripped my heart out to let him do that but he was so unhappy and I finally let him. (This was after I was kicked out of the ballet company I danced with. (Story about that another time.) There were no other good ballet schools in the area, so I had to move if I wanted to continue dancing.) He would never tell me what was happening at school with kids making fun of him etc. I never knew. (It's funny to think about this fact now. I never once even entertained the thought of telling my mom that I was being teased because that would mean I would have to tell her why I was being teased. Actually, she did know I was being teased because I switched high schools for a short time, but I believe I just told her that I was being made fun of because I was a ballet dancer.)




Prior to finding out that you have a gay child, what was your belief about gay people in general?

I am ashamed to admit that I didn't think very highly of gay people. I didn't understand and hadn't had any reason to find out more. They seemed too showy and glitzy. The only ones I knew about were the ones I saw on TV and that isn't a good measure of how most gay people are. I had never known anyone personally that was gay, only some TV personalities that were. I thought they were funny but never dreamed I would have a son that would tell me he was gay. In church occasionally there was mention of what the scriptures say about homosexuality and about it being a sin. It was just very distant to me and I could not really even think about it. It would never happen to anyone I knew, I thought.




What was your initial reaction upon finding out that your son is gay?

The initial reaction, after hours of agonizing for him trying to tell me, was, initially, not good. (I sat on her bed while she was sewing something and asked her if we could talk. I was dying inside, trying to force myself to say the words, but I just couldn't do it. I don't even remember how I finally came out with it.) I told him what was in the scriptures, which was not the thing to do first. I thought my heart would break for sure. After having [to deal with] a son who was on drugs, running away from home, and never knowing if he was alive or not, this was even worse. I felt that all my hopes and dreams for this child were gone. My heart was broken. It literally hurt and ached. It was like a death almost. I cried for hours. I could not imagine how my life would go on in this new role. How could I be a mother to a gay son? How do I act? How do I help him? What do I say? I couldn't understand how this could happen or what I had done wrong. My hopes and dreams for him were shattered and nothing I could do would fix it. I wanted him to go on a mission and find a wonderful woman to marry and have cute little children and be happy forever with. That was gone now. I knew he would have a hard time in life; that is hard to consider too. Never once though, did I think I didn't or couldn't love him anymore or [think about] kicking him out of our family. I could NEVER have done that. I loved him no matter what and tried to be supportive and talk to him like we always had done.




At the time, what was your biggest worry, biggest loss, biggest disappointment, etc. when your son came out to you?

The biggest worry was him getting AIDS, I guess. I guess I had the idea that gay men were very loose sexually and that he was going to start having sex with all kinds of men. I had heard stories about gay men having sex with strangers in the bathrooms and in public places and had very low morals. I worried about that. [It was] the stereotype that I had heard, I guess. I remember one time getting up in the middle of the night and finding him and another man laying on the couch together. It was very hard to see. Very upsetting. Guess the reality hit at that time. Talking about it is different than actually seeing it. (I have to laugh just a little at this part. "The man" in question was this guy I had the biggest crush on. We had hung out and we came back to my house late at night. I didn't know when I would see him again so we just sat on the couch in the front room to talk. It was late, so we lay down, me close to the inside of the couch and him half lying on top of me. We weren't kissing or anything, literally just lying there! My eyes were closed, and all of a sudden I heard steps coming down the hallway into the front room. All the blood in my body rushed to my stomach, and I swear I thought I was going to die. Or faint. I heard the front porch light click on, saw light behind my closed eyelids, and new she was mere feet from me: she was going to turn around and see us on the couch. I was frozen. I don't think either of us were breathing. A few seconds later the light clicked off and the footsteps retreated back down the hall. He left about one minute later. I "slept" on the couch that night, too afraid to walk down the hall to my room. At one point, early in the morning, I heard those footsteps again approaching me. I kept my eyes closed, too ashamed to look at my mom. But then I felt a blanket being laid out on top of my body to keep me warm. The day after that was one of the most difficult ever, but I knew after she put the blanket over me that  things would eventually be okay.)



If you could narrow down one single initial "a-ha" moment when you first started seeing gay people (and your gay son) differently, what would that be? How did it change you? How did you proceed from there?

My first time of LOVING GAY people was in my kitchen. My son told me he was bringing some friends over to bake for Christmas. They were making a Yule log. (It was actually cookies, but who wants to get bogged down with details? haha) One of the guys, he was dating. I was a little nervous. Okay, [I was] a lot nervous about that because I didn't know how it would be or how they would act or what I should do or say. I felt uncomfortable and didnt know if I should just disappear or what to do. All my worries were gone after a few minutes. I was so surprised that they were so dang funny and we all were laughing and having so much fun! If you want a good laugh, just sit back and watch 4 gay men cooking in your kitchen. Hilarious!!! Their comments are so much different than a typical straight guy. They worried about the small details and it was so cute! I couldn't believe I was having so much fun! Never in my life could I have ever imagined me in a room full of gay men having so much fun. I started loving gay people from that time on. It hit me that they are all just sweet, kind, men trying to make it in this world and find acceptance and love. I absolutely love them all. They are beautiful people.



What major events followed that initial a-ha moment that helped you continue to grow and change?

Reading more and more and talking to others. There weren't very many I could talk to 20 years ago. I had to pretty much keep it all inside because no one would even understand what I was going through. It's so hard getting used to the idea that you have a gay son. It's a whole new world to find out about and learn. I did have a lady at church who talked to me. She had had a gay husband. After 20 years of marriage, he admitted to being gay and they got divorced. He was very promiscuous and ended up getting AIDS and died years later. Her son was also gay. She had collected some information about Evergreen and a book called Born that Way? that I read. (I HATED that book, and I was so angry that she had it!)  I just struggled for help. I tried talking to the bishop [but] there was no help there. He didn't know how to talk about that or what to do...other than say, "If he just doesn't act on it, he will be fine."  20 years ago, no one talked about it. I had no help and no one to turn to. Occasionally, I would find someone I could talk to. Even my friends didn't really understand, of course, because they hadn't had to deal with it in their lives. One said, "Didn't you suspect that your son was gay?" I surely had not. Never. My brother, ended up having a gay son also. I loved him. He had always been such a sweet boy. He was my first nephew and I felt very close to him. I tried to help them when they learned of their son. I had grown a lot in the past years and thought I could maybe help them in dealing with it. It's a shock for sure. Life changing. As hard as it is for the parents, it is so very much harder for the gay son. I think being gay or coming out is so much harder for a member of our church because of its teachings. It was a huge struggle trying to figure out how to remain a member of the church and have a gay son and be supportive to him also. They don't seem to go together. But as the years passed, I know that love is what the Savior taught while he was on the earth. He loved everyone and never turned anyone away. In order to show "charity" and Christ-like love, we in turn, have to do the same. We cannot love only those who it is comfortable to do so, and with whom we can relate, we have to love everyone and invite them to partake of all the blessings of the gospel.




What has been your single biggest struggle in reconciling having a gay son with also being a devout member of the LDS church? How were you able to reconcile that? (Or is that something you still struggle with?)

My mom and I at her first drag show!

The biggest struggle was how do I keep going to church and stay strong in the gospel when some of the people looked down on my son and made fun of him. There was no one who knew how to help them or accept them. I pretty much suffered in silence all these years until recently. I found out that there really are LDS people who love gays and are fighting for them. I learned about Affirmation, MBB, and other groups that I never knew existed. I feel so much better and empowered to try to do something to change people in the church's attitudes about gays. One thing I imagine doing is giving a talk in church about showing more love to EVERYone and that we as a church need to reach out to gays and all people different from us to partake of the gospel and truly love all as Jesus did. I feel strong enough now to do that. I plan on telling the Bishop that when he is ready, I am his gal for that job!
They are children of God just like everyone else and should not be shunned or felt unwelcome. It's not right. Being Christ-like and showing Charity cannot be just if it's easy and the people are like us. It's for everyone; if they have tattoos, piercings, smell like smoke, or act different than us. God loves all of us and everyone should be welcome.




What advice can you give to LDS parents who have LGBT children? Would your advice be different if the child is younger (like a teenager) or an adult?

Try to get involved and find out more about groups that can help you and support you. There is nothing more terrible than feeling like you are all alone and no help is available. The advice would be the same [regardless of the child's age]. There are church leaders that do not know how to handle this. It's very hard and not an easy road. All the help and support would be so much better. I wish I would have known about many of these groups a long time ago. I think things are changing and it's more out in the open now. More help is available. Gays suffer enough with how they feel about themselves and trying to fit in. My heart goes out to all of them. I love them all. Especially my son. He has worked through the hugest mountain over the past 20 years. I didn't even know he was suffering so much until recently. I thought he was doing well and felt so much better being who he really was. Only recently I have learned that wasn't the case. I love him so much and feel so badly that he has suffered so much. Heavenly Father will have special blessings in store for these. It has to be so.

It has to be so.

"I Have Made Mistakes" by The Oh, Hello's