Over It and Done

As any reader of this blog knows, since last June, I've been going through a sort of renaissance. My big brother passed away, and that set off a series of events that have been transformative and life-changing in every way. I am, in a literal sense, a new person.

I've often referred to this as a journey, a hero's journey, that has taken me from innocence, to the depths of darkness, and finally back into light. Part of my journey involved making the decision to start attending church again. I started with sacrament meetings, just attending for my own edification and the feelings of quietude and peace that came with singing hymns and being in a church building, sitting amongst a congregation of people. Then the bishop "received revelation" that I was meant to be the choir pianist. Then he felt impelled to call me to be the Primary pianist as well. This is never what I wanted. But I went with it because he seemed so sure.

Right at the beginning of my return to church, I watched almost all of General Conference. I was saddened and hurt by the comments made on the final day by "authorities" about LGBT people and same-sex marriage: They were talking about ME. I kept going to church though. I stuck with whatever this silly notion was I had in my head about finding spirituality, even though it was in a religion that I knew wasn't correct in many respects.


Then the same-sex marriage thing happened in Utah.

Then the backlash from the LDS Church and Mormons in general happened.

Then the Church issued its official statement on same-sex marriage. It grossed me out, but I felt like it contained language that could easily be construed to be heading in a positive direction, calling this an "evolving issue." I took solace in that language and hoped that the Church would indeed evolve.

I was wrong.

Today, it came to my attention that the church saw fit to publish an updated document about The Divine Institution of Marriage. At first, when I saw it on Facebook, I kept scrolling past it. I've read so much lately about the bigotry and ignorance of church leadership and church members that I honestly couldn't hardly stomach to hear any more. But then I went back up to it and clicked on the link. I had butterflies and anxiety while the page was loading, fearing what I would find.

From the very first words, I wanted to throw up. I wanted to throw my computer across the room. The ignorance and arrogance was thick enough to taste. The church speaks of how "there have been many challenges to the institution of marriage." WHAT?! WHO IS CHALLENGING THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE?? No one, that's who. Not one single person on this planet, to my knowledge, has ever once said, "Yeah, umm, I don't think men and women should be allowed to marry each other anymore." In their great wisdom, they go on to say that "God’s purposes for establishing marriage have not changed." Really? This makes it sound like the institution of marriage has forever been the way it is now. Traditional. One man and one woman. Are you kidding me? One look at the Old Testament blows that argument out of the water. Want to talk about Joseph Smith's idea of "traditional marriage"? Let's take a look at his seven wives who were all under 18 years old, one of whom was FOURTEEN! Let's take a look at his eleven polyandrous marriages (women whose husbands were still living), two of whom were sisters, and another two of whom were a mother and daughter. Almighty God blessed these traditional marriages though... Strangely, Mr. Smith's many wives are not anywhere mentioned in this document about the divinity of traditional marriage.

They say that God commanded Adam and Eve to "be fruitful" and to "replenish the earth." They use this as an example of the God-given decree that the principal role of marriage is procreation. NEWS FLASH: the earth currently has seven BILLION people on it. You can officially stop "replenishing" it.

They go on to use that same war-like rhetoric that I referenced in my previous post: "threats," "attack," "assault," and "strikes." "[T]he issue of same-sex marriage," they say, "strikes at the very heart of the family and has the potential for great impact upon the welfare of children..." Yes, using "the children" as "targets" of the gay "agenda" is always an effective appeal to pathos. It's good to see that that argument will never get old for some.

The Church goes so far as to say that being around two married men will negatively affect the "moral character of children." I guess I shouldn't be a high school teacher then? I guess I shouldn't be playing the piano for the impressionable Primary kids?

This divine document concludes with the assertion that "When marriage is undermined by gender confusion and by distortions of its God-given meaning, the rising generation of children and youth will find it increasingly difficult to develop their natural identities as men or women." Yes. Clearly, ALL of those who are currently transgendered are from same-sex households. ALL those who are gay or lesbian or bisexual are so because they were raised by same-sex parents. We all are just confused about what it means to be a "real" man or a "real" woman. The church refuses to acknowledge the existence of simple biology. There will be no "evolving" with views like that.

The ignorant, self-righteous, arrogant rhetoric in this document (and others) can, does, and will only result in perpetuated ignorance, self-righteousness, and arrogance. It makes me want to vomit when I think about people reading this document and nodding their heads smugly in devout agreement with it. It makes me want to vomit to think about people--my own friends and my own family members--loving me but hating the "ugly" sin I am committing in wanting to love, marry, and dedicate myself to a man, an idea perpetuated by this document. It makes me want to vomit to think of those I love most seeing me as succumbing to some Satanic temptation, rather than recognizing that religion has nothing to do with human sexuality, and that some people--a good many people, in fact--are just gay.

This church holds nothing for me, and this document has definitively proven that. I've had my serious doubts about a great many things in this church for a very long time. I thought I could reconcile some of them, ignore others, and hold to my own set of beliefs. But that can no longer happen. I refuse to accept ignorance. I refuse to accept mere tolerance. I refuse to accept being accused of the ugly, terrible things that this document accuses me of. I refuse to associate myself with an organization that propagates discord and shuns common intelligence.

As Lady Capulet says, "Do as thou wilt, for I have done with thee" (III.v.15).

I'm over it. I am done.


A final note: I realize that this post is full of anger and vitriol. I know that the tone here is very different than what all my other posts have been, even those that expressed anger and doubt. Maybe I've just had a bad day, or a bad week. Maybe I feel like a lot is piled on right now. But I'm keeping this post as it is because it reflects what I am feeling at this moment. I feel hurt. I feel anger. I feel, in a way, cheated. I feel discriminated. What this document says is not right. It is not true. That is my testimony.