Shortest Meeting with the Bishop Yet

I said in this morning's post (in which I talk about last week's meeting with the bishop) that I would post an update after my meeting with the bishop this afternoon. It turned out to be short and sweet. As usual, I didn't say everything I would have liked to say. Maybe next time. (I don't know why I'm so concerned with disappointing him. Probably because he has been so nice to me and I want him to like me.)

He started the meeting by asking how my week went. I told him all about the garbage going on at school and all about my choir concert. After he agreed that I had had a heck of a week, he asked how primary went today. I could only shake my head. "I just can't do it," I said.

Primary today was awful. The kids were off the wall obnoxious. And the sharing time lesson was about Genesis when God created man and woman. I cringed the whole time they talked about how we are made in God's image. For today's first lesson on the creation of men and women, the kids learned how to keep their bodies pure. To demonstrate this, the teacher had a cube with a different body part on each side. She had kids come up and roll the cube and say something they like to do with that body part and a way that we can keep it pure and protect it. One child got "mouth." The child said she liked to eat with her mouth and that we can brush our teeth to keep our mouth clean and pure. Someone else had already talked about brushing and flossing, so the teacher suggested "piercings" as something to avoid to keep our bodies pure. I shook my head. I couldn't help myself. There's a gay guy with two pierced ears sitting at the piano, and she's telling the kids about how piercings lead to impurity. I just can't wait for the lesson on how Adam and Eve are commanded to make as many babies as they can...

The bishop asked if I wanted something to be done, and I said yes. He asked if I could play next week just to give him "time to seek the Lord's guidance" in who should take my spot and then have a chance to call that person to the position. I agreed. I was hoping that this would be my last Sunday, but I suppose I can endure one more.

He then asked how I was feeling about sacrament meeting and playing for the choir. I said, "It's not so much how I feel about sacrament meeting or playing for the choir, but how I feel about the bigger picture. I just don't feel like I belong here. I'm not sure what this church holds for me, if anything at all."

"Do you feel good here?" he asked.

"Well," I said, "I think when I came back here I just wanted to feel like I was a part of something. It felt good to sing the hymns and listen to the talks. I could take from them what I needed or wanted. I guess that felt good." He took this and ran with it.

"I think that if there is anything that brings us joy, we should not throw it away no matter what."

So I went from having some happy moments to feeling constant joy. I didn't bother correcting him, although I wish I had because he is now basing my presence in church around this supposed "joy" that I feel there. He read me a part of an email from his sister, one that talked about how, even though we might not know why some things happen in our lives, if we just focus on what we do know, the knowledge of other things is sure to follow. He used this, he said, to illustrate what I'm searching for in my reconciliation with the church.

Again, I should have pointed out a very important point, that my "reconciliation" has nothing at all to do with reuniting or rekindling beliefs that I now know are not true. All I was ever looking for was to make peace with where I came from, and the LDS church was a part of that past. I feel like I have made that peace, but now things have gotten very complicated because of my talks with him, his befriending me, and my (stupidly) accepting callings. I've gotten out of one calling, but I feel like I'm still enmeshed in something that I have no desire to be enmeshed in.

I just wanted to go to sacrament meeting, sit in the back, and be unbothered by anyone.

Now, all the things that he and others are doing to bring me closer to the church are only pushing me further away; that is, I am getting more and more turned off to going to church at all. I feel like if I had just been left alone, I would be perfectly happy. But I guess I can't really blame the bishop or anyone else. I made the decision to start the conversations with the bishop. I accepted his invitations to dinner, which I could have said no to. I accepted the callings he gave me, which I could have said no to.

I find myself wondering why I went back at all. I actually regret doing it now. I do not feel joy there. I do not feel comfort there.

I've digressed... He told me that he read the marriage statement that the church put out. He agreed that the language used in it "is not the best." He said that he doesn't put too much stock into things that are not specifically from the First Presidency. When the prophet's name is not attached to something, he feels like he can take it or leave it. "I realize this is much easier for me than it is for you, though," he said. He realized that this statement does not impact him in the way it impacts me and other LGBT people. And that was really all he said about it. I was kind of surprised.

After that, he asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. When I said there was not, he thanked me for coming in to chat with him and said a closing prayer.

Not sure what's next in this adventure of mine. I guess only time will tell...