**Sorry about the length of this one. I was having a hard time finding a convenient cut-off point.**
Written on the title page of the second volume of my journals:
June 2, 1996
On Friday I wen to my first Gay Pride Festival. Actually, it was my first gay event of any kind. It was a wonderful experience and I'm very glad I went. I was a bit nervous beforehand--I'm still not quite sure why. It was so incredible to see so many gay people in one place. There were people holding hands and showing affection. Some people even had children with them! It really did fill me with pride....So if I'm proud of who I am, then why am I still so afraid of coming out to certain people? I still want the world to like me. I guess it's not that I want everyone to "like" me per se, it's that I don't want them to hate me. It's really frustrating. But I have to admit that I am further along than when I came out to Lara last September. I wish I had someone else to talk to, someone closer to my own age....
June 20, 1996
...I couldn't take my eyes off C. He was so beautiful. He had blonde hair and beautiful facial features. I was so captivated by his face that I didn't get a good look at the rest of him, but I think he was shorter than me. I only saw him for a few short minutes, but I couldn't get him out of my mind. He is one of those people that you can't call "cute" or "good looking" or "handsome"--he is beautiful.
July 4, 1996
...It was so awesome to be with [C.] again, but I felt very intimidated. I was more relaxed than our first outing--probably because Lara was there. I want so badly to know exactly what he thinks of me, good or bad. I know I am practically obsessed with him. I was never like this with E. I think about C. literally all day long.
It scares me that I'm so obsessed with him. I've noticed that everything that goes wrong--or everything I perceive as going wrong--totally devastates me. It's just that I've never met anyone like him....Every time I envision us together, it feels so much different than when I pictured E. and I together. It's funny though, my mind won't allow me to say that I'm in love. I guess it's way too premature to say that anyway.
July 10, 1996
Too premature indeed! I'm beginning to wonder if I am anything at all to him. I started noticing that he sounded very bored when we were on the phone. He said he had just woke up, but I think that was just an excuse to sound tired and disinterested. Then on Monday we were supposed to go out after I got off work. Well at about 1:30 in the afternoon one of the managers said that C. called and said he would take a rain check. I was so devastated. I kept wondering why I'm not good enough for him. Negativity came streaming out of me. Almost instantly I got a headache and became nauseated. I couldn't believe I was being dogged off. I was very upset and wasn't thinking rationally at all.
July 21, 1996
I had an interesting experience in church last week. The bishop was giving a talk about the questions asked at a temple recommend interview. One of them was, "Do you follow the law of chastity?" So he went into a long sermon on what exactly that meant. Things like premarital sex, masturbation, and, of course, homosexuality. He went into a discussion on how it is evil, unnatural, and perverse. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I gathered all my strength, stood up, and walked out. I felt like I had made so much progress with my mom, and in a few short moments it was all thrown away. I was so livid I felt like screaming....
July 28, 1996
When does the [drama] end?! First of all, C. and I didn't go out. (Are you surprised?) He called me from a street corner and said that his car had broken down on the freeway...He said he would call me the next day, but I knew better than to believe that. I still haven't heard from him.
Now on to E...[We had decided to give things another go while also keeping our options open.] E. and I kept our distance for a little bit and then he pulled me over to him. All at once I felt uncomfortable. He was the one who said we would take things very slow[ly] and here he was groping me. I tried to relax but I just couldn't. Then he had to ask where I was going to sleep. I had to go to class Wed. morning, so I told him I had to sleep or I would be a wreck in class. (In case you forgot, I can't sleep when I'm in bed with him.) So he basically rationalized and pressured me into sleeping with him. He said he would leave me alone. But when we were in bed he kept inching closer and closer. Before I knew it we were making out! It felt so wrong. He was not the person I wanted to be doing that with. So I just laid my head down. I few minutes later I told him I could not sleep and moved to the downstairs bedroom....
August 11, 1996
....I wanted to talk with them, but I just couldn't. Sometimes I want to punch myself for being so shy. I miss out on so much by sitting back, watching the action instead of being a part of it. I thought I was getting better, but maybe I'm not....I mist admit that it would be nice for a change to be actively involved in teh conversation instead of answering and commenting in my head.
August 22, 1996
....The next night J. called me and we talked for four 1/2 hours! I believe that is an all time record for me. We talked about everything. We said what our first impressions were of each other, and we basically found out that we were attracted to each other. Well J. made the grave mistake of telling E. how he felt about me which started a chain of traumatic events...I really like J. as strange as that may sound...And even stranger, I just have this feeling that is it right. No one else agrees but that's really how I feel. Why? I don't know. It feels totally different from what I felt with E.
September 5, 1996
First of all, I discovered that my feelings for J. were a form of infatuation and flattery. All of his vices were dangerous and thus exciting and enticing.
September 18, 1996
Goodbye Phoenix! The Milwaukee Ballet has accepted me as a trainee. I got my contract a couple days ago--I felt very important. I'll be leaving the day after tomorrow....I am really excited to be starting a new life in Milwaukee. Who knows, maybe Bryce is just waiting for me up there. [Bryce is the name I gave to my fantasy perfect man. Bryce Jacobs, to be exact.] I'm so tired of meeting people that I think are nice and then they turn out to be jerks. I'm tired of searching. I just want to settle down and have someone to share my life with... [As a 36-year old, this is very sad to read now, especially knowing what the next 15 years are going to be like.]
September 22, 1996
....Then I told her that I was a little nervous coming here because I used to be (and still am) totally infatuated with S. Then she told me that the other day she and S. were talking about me and she asked him if there was ever anything going on between us. He said, "No, but I wish, I wish!" So there is hope for me and S. I was so excited last night I couldn't sleep. I can hardly wait to see him tomorrow. I think Cupid just hit me with one of his arrows.
September 25, 1996
I hurt. I hurt deep down inside. I don't even love him, so why do I hurt? I tricked myself into believing that he is a perfect god....Tonight I was doing that same silent flirting that I did with J. Why did I do it? I just want to know what it feels like to be held again. I'm embarrassed to even look at him even though he doesn't know how I feel about him. I think I won't waste ink and paper writing about guys I'm interested in because I am always wrong. I know I'll find "Mr. Right" and when I'm absolutely sure I've found him, I'll let you know.
September 26, 1996
Oh boy am I in trouble! How do I even begin? Someone likes me. No, it's not who you're thinking of. his name is A. He is very attractive and very funny. I just found out today that he likes me. He is basically going to break up with this guy he was seeing so he can "get to know" me....He says he wants to take things slow, but God knows I've heard that line before. I don't know what will happen. I know that whatever happens will be a learning experience. Boy! I am just learning and learning, aren't I? (haha) Actually, it's pretty depressing. I'm tired of learning from mistakes. I'd like to start making some right decisions.
September 28, 1996
I'm sorry. I can't help it. I just think S. is incredible. I know I said I wasn't going to let myself get involved with him, but I want to so badly...We ate our sandwiches and then we talked and drank coffee for about two 1/2 hours. We talked about everything. I told him how incredible I thought he was when I first met him in Washington--he told me he felt the same about me...It was so wonderful to look into his beautiful eyes and hear him talk about his life...After dinner everyone was meeting at the apt. to party...I was pretty much disgusted with the whole thing so I went into A.'s room to talk...A. and I were talking about our concerns about getting together. I was trying to tell him why it wouldn't work. One thing led to another and pretty soon we were kissing. We kissed and kissed and kissed for literally hours...I held him and he held me and it felt so good to be held. However, the whole night I kept thinking about the wonderful time I had had with S. I felt so guilty being with A., but there I was in A.'s bed. I knew at once that I had created a huge problem for myself.
September 30, 1996
[S.] and I talked about how much we wanted to hold each other but were too scared of ruining everything. Then he held out his hand and said, "But you can hold my hand." So I took his hand and lightning bolts shot through my body. We sat there and talked and held hands and I was in heaven. I don't know if this is love that I feel, but if it's not then it feels pretty damn close.
October 7, 1996
...That night I had a terrible nightmare. It was the first time I have ever had a dream that scared me so much I was terrified to go back to sleep. It started out with me getting a nose bleed. I put my hand over my nose and ran into the bathroom. Blood was pouring out. I had it in my hair. It was all over the bathroom: on the sink, on the shower, on the toilet--everywhere. I totally lost control and started sobbing and wailing. I was kneeling over the toilet just crying. In the next scene I was standing at night outside of a train that my mother was in. I was telling her about the bloody nose incident and she just sat there and smiled. As I was talking to her, telling her how scared I was, I remembered seeing something [in the mirror] written on my face with blood. I was just about to tell her about it when the train left. The train quickly pulled away and left me standing all alone in the dark. I didn't have my shoes on, so I started putting them on. As I put the first one on, I heard footsteps behind me. I turned and saw a tall figure coming toward me. I turned back around and started running. After I had run a short distance I turned to see if I had lost him. As I turned, he was right there. I stared directly in his eyes, and he reached out to grab me. I yelled, literally out loud [in real life], which is what woke me up.
November 9, 1996
...What the hell am I doing? Why am I here? Who am I to think I can save someone else's life? I can't even handle my own life, let alone others' lives. Maybe I am just a manic depressive psycho who thinks I'm not worth shit unless I can make a difference in the world. I know I'm a good person who has good things to offer, but why do I feel like I have to prove that to everyone else? I don't dance because I love it. I dance to show myself that I can...I once read a book that said my personality type would have a lot of trauma over trying to find purpose in life. I start running in circles because I feel like my purpose in life is finding a purpose in life. So I end up only defeating myself in the long run...So what can I do? How can I fulfill myself without trying to fulfill myself? Maybe I should shut up and stop whining. Maybe I should stop this self-pity crap and start doing something about it. That would be great, if I knew what to do and where to start...
December 14, 1996
Justin has been on Cloud 9 for the past week. Last Saturday I got an unexpected phone call from B...[He] told me that Christine and Laura were having a party at their apartment that evening...At first I thought it was so weird that he had called me. After all, he had never called before. We had never even talked, just the two of us, before. Then I thought, wait, maybe he likes me. Then I thought, wait, maybe I like him. I started getting all excited and jittery about going to the party...After talking to him a couple times I started noticing that we always had stuff to talk about...I have always imagined myself being with someone that I can talk to like that.
December 15, 1996
...I really like B. However, I will not make the often-made mistake of prematurely saying he might be Bryce. I'll simply say I like him and we'll just see where things go.
December 16, 1996
[I wrote an acrostic poem that spelled out his name. It contained a few of the following lines:] On the cold autumn day our eyes first met / Never, I thought, on him I'd be set...Your laugh and smile have won my heart. / I hope to God we never part. / Separate rivers both cutting the land / Have now joined, running hand in hand. / The power of two, twice that of one. / Our journey together has now begun.
January 4, 1997
I can't help it. I've fallen in love. I tried so hard to wait, you know I did. But I indeed fell....
January 14, 1997
...Love is incredible elusive. I don't think I am in love with B. I care about him deeply and enjoy spending time with him. What I need to do is fully get to know a person before I emotionally tie myself to him. B. and I are officially "together" and now I regret it... Through all this I've learned that infatuation and flattery are powerful things. I need to learn to let those pass and fade away before I make a decision as to whether or not this is a person I want to have a serious relationship with... I don't want to hurt people's feelings. I don't want to make people sad...
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