Hoarders: The In-Your-Brain Edition

I've been talking recently to someone who is finding himself in the midst of discoveries that are similar in many ways to what I have been going through and feeling both in the past several months and years and years ago. Because I am all by my lonesome self on Christmas--pity me!!--I've been thinking a lot about what he's going through. Yesterday, while putting clean sheets on my bed, something occurred to me. (I seem to have these epiphanies at the oddest times.)

So many people are emotional hoarders; I think it comes naturally to most of us. We don't do it on purpose. We don't even want to do it, but we feel like we are supposed to. We are taught by society that coming out has to be a long, dirty process. (This process is not exclusive to coming out and can certainly be applied to anything we struggle with in life.) We are taught that learning to love ourselves has to be a painful and arduous process that lasts years and years. I speak from experience as one who unwittingly bought into the pressure to load up on emotions, justifications, arguments, and expectations, lock them away, and then pile on some more. But what if there's another way? What if there is a way to clear out all--or most of--the unnecessary junk emotions, dust off a few classic antique ones that we've been neglecting, and see the "problems" we are facing in a whole new and clearer light?


Psychologically-speaking, humans are a complicated mess. We strive to find patterns where there may not be any. We seek to fit pieces of a puzzle together when it may not even be a puzzle to begin with. We look for reasons. We look for signs. Hoarding, hoarding, hoarding... Always taking on more and more and more. What we need to do is strip things down to their barest essences and throw some crap away. You might think that sounds too simplistic. Or you might think that sounds impossible. The truth is, it's a little of both. And don't worry, I'm not going to spout off some "don't-sweat-the-small-stuff" B.S. I know that no one's internal struggles are "small" in any way. But we do like to take on more than is necessary.

So much of how we process the world around us and our relationship to it is inculcated from birth. We tend not to see ourselves as someone who lives in the world, but rather as an integrated and inextricable part of it. The first thing we need to do is peel ourselves away from that thinking. Society's opinion(s) of us do not matter. Really. It's true. They only "matter" because we tell ourselves they have to. If we are able to extricate ourselves from the chains that everyone else seeks to put on us, then the process really is simple: look at each issue we face as a sovereign thing that exists on its own emotional plane, free from social static and interference.

One of the problems with being raised LDS and coming out as LGBT is that we are pummeled by so many external cultural expectations and religious beliefs that we can't see the forest for the trees: we are unable to isolate the "true" issues because there are so many others we've hoarded. The following list is a process that illustrates what I'm talking about. If this doesn't sound too wacked-out to you, I suggest making your own list and seeing what you come up with. This one is, of course, made rather far along my own journey, and I concede that making a list like this when one is in the thick of the dense forest may prove much more difficult. But the process should be the same. Clear your head. Make it all about you.

Rules for the list: a) items must be declarative statements, b) items cannot be questions, c) because you cannot read anyone else's mind, statements must be from your own perspective, d) statements must be honest and even vulnerable, e) individual numbers will, by nature, be broad in scope. Subsets in numbers should be deductive in nature, slowing whittling away and getting to the heart of the matter, and f) don't try to control the direction the list goes. Go with the flow.

• The bullet points represent what I might think to myself as I write my list.

**Note: This list is a hypothetical one. These things represent concerns that I have seen on others' blog posts and issues that friends have talked to me about. These are also things I have thought about on my own journey, things I might have put on my list back in the day when I was really dealing with these issues.**


Central Starting Questions/Issues/Concerns: What do I need to do to move forward in my life? I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'm scared and feel like I don't fit in with either of the conflicting sides in my life. Everything is just so complicated and crazy. I feel like I'm floating aimlessly on a turbulent ocean with no anchor. I don't even know where to begin.

1. I am gay.

• This is a very simple thing that we think HAS to be complicated. But if society and religion were not issues, this would also be a non-issue, right? Being gay, in and of itself, is not a complex thing. I like guys. End of story. So merely "being" gay is not the issue. The issues surrounding it must come from somewhere else. Since being gay is not a complex issue, I am going to cross it off my list. I want to be left only with things that are inherently complicated enough to devote time and energy to. I feel like many MoHos will balk at this assertion of simplicity and non-issue-ness. But think about it, really think. You need to strip away layers to discover what is REALLY the problem. Being gay is not a problem. The church's teaching and doctrinal beliefs might be an issue. Your family's reactions might be a problem. But simply being attracted to men (or women, or both sexes) is not the problem. 

     1b. I feel guilt about disappointing others in that I am not what they thought I was or would be.

• Although this seems very complex, it's one of the most simple things to toss out. I am not and cannot be held responsible for anyone else's plans or expectations for me. This is my life, not theirs. They need to deal with their disappointment(s) on their own and within themselves. I will make myself available to talk should they ask me, but I can only speak from my own experiences. Anything beyond that is not my responsibility.

     1c. It feels very selfish to have that attitude.

• You feel like you're disregarding others. You've been taught not to make it all about yourself. But sometimes it really is all about you. Being gay is about you because it has to be about you! This is YOUR life, YOUR feelings, YOUR struggles. No one has the right to take it away from you and make it about them.

2. I want to meet someone special, fall in love, and spend the rest of my life making us both happy.

• What could be more simple? No, really! Finding someone might be difficult, yes. Having your relationship embraced by your family might be difficult. I'm going to cross this off the list too. But there must be something stopping this goal from happening. This, in and of itself, is not the problem. I'll keep making statements until I feel like I've found it...

     2b. No one I've met has worked out.

• Where are you meeting people? Online? In person? You thought that first guy was going to be The One? You've waited all your life and you think you're entitled to some rest? It may be time for a reality check. Relationships don't just "not work out" on their own. There are reasons, probably lots of them, so dig deeper...

     2c. I break up with everyone after a very short time.

• Ah... now you're getting somewhere. Keep going! Why is this happening??

     2d. I've been fantasizing about finding the man of my dreams since I was a teenager.

• This spells danger. And this, more likely than not, is what might be at the heart of your relationship issues. The longer you've been thinking and planning, the more you will expect someone to fulfill those fantasies.

     2e. I'm trying to find the one person who could be everything that I've hoped he would.

• Bingo! You're carrying around this cookie cutter and anyone who doesn't fit perfectly gets tossed aside. This is to be expected, though, because you've also spent your whole life being squished into others' cookie cutters; you believed that this is just the way the world functions. You used your fantasies as a teenager as an escape, a way to visualize a perfect world where there is nothing but perpetual bliss. People are diverse and amazing. Enjoy each for the individual he is. Maybe when you stop creating a long mental list of qualifications, you'll find amazing things, aspects, and attributes that you never thought about or considered! A fantasy is not always better than reality.  Worry about finding someone who complements you, not compliments you.

3. I feel like many people--particularly my family--do not understand where I'm coming from.

• Exactly! Another simple problem. You also do not fully understand where they are coming from. You have not lived each of their lives. And they, obviously, have not lived yours. It's is silly to expect otherwise. What is it they're not understanding?

     3a. Assumptions and misunderstandings and negative judgments are directed at me.

• Not understanding you is one thing, but it gets personal when people load up arrows with their ignorance and start firing at you at will. This is painful, for sure. 

     3b. It hurts to be misunderstood and vilified. 

• I know. You've been fighting your whole life to be understood. You've felt like no one around you could ever fully knew you. And this is accurate. Because you were afraid of shattering others' expectations and disappointing others, you've done your best to fit into their cookie cutters. You've refused to accept that you don't fit those molds. Until now.

     3c. I'm flexing my muscles and stretching out for the first time in my life. I feel like an infant.

• It feels awkward at first, both for you and for others. It might shock others because they are so used to seeing you in a different light. It might shock you because you had no idea that you could do the things you're doing, believe the things you're believing, and seeing the things you're seeing. You had no idea you were shaped this way! It's going to take some getting used to. You have no choice but to accept that reality. Change is hard, for everyone involved. Understanding comes through experience. Don't expect people, including yourself, to understand something they've never experienced. 

4. I feel like my religion has rejected me.

• Your "religion" hasn't rejected anyone. Do not confuse the people who represent the religion with the religion itself. You might just be projecting your own guilt and shame onto something that doesn't deserve it.

     4a. I don't feel worthy to take part in the religion I grew up with.

• Where does this feeling come from? Chances are, it comes from knowing you were taught that the world functions one way while knowing that you do not fit that prescribed story. So, again, do YOU feel unworthy, or are you afraid that others will see you as unworthy? 

     4b. My faith is based on "personal revelation."

• Ultimately, what goes on in my life is the business of me and my maker. My church allows for and embraces the concept of personal revelation. This means that what I feel in my heart is meant for me is what I need to do. I have to let others be responsible for themselves. I have my own path to follow. I know who I am and what I stand for. The humans who are representatives of my religion do not know me. Nor are they at liberty to tell me what is best for me and my life.

5. I lack a dependable support system.

• When you're feeling down, it is very easy to think this, but it isn't true. You can't expect everyone in the world to be at your beck and call. Look at your resources and figure out who is an ally. You have them and you know it.

     5a. I've tried reaching out to others in the gay community, but they don't seem to get me either.

• This is actually pretty complex. As gay people, we have all been exposed to the same lies our entire lives about "the gay lifestyle" being promiscuous and all about the sex. So here you are, just trying to reach out and meet others like you, and they constantly think you are hitting on them or being suggestive. This is another thing you cannot change. But understand where they might be coming from. It's also important to ask yourself why you feel like you need to have this support from the gay community. What is it that they can or will do for you?

     5b. I'm seeking empathy.

• Now you've nailed it. It's only natural to assume that the gay community would be the best place to go for empathy because they've all gone through what you're currently going through. This might very well be true. But just remember that everyone has her or his own history and set of circumstances that might be very different from yours. 

     5c. I'm seeking a safe place where I can fully be myself.

• You've nailed it again. But, again, don't assume that in the company of other gay people is the only place you can be yourself. "Being yourself" is a set of chains that you put on yourself in the company of various people because you're reading their expectations and being concerned about their comfort level. Making people a little uncomfortable is sometimes the best way to help them overcome their own fears. Sometimes those who at first appear hostile can end up being your biggest supporters. 

6. I don't have anything to anchor me in place.

• Actually, that isn't true. You've been anchored your whole life, sitting in one place, afraid to bring it out of the water and be free. When you came out of the closet, you made the choice to pull up the anchor. You're on a journey now! An anchor will only hold you back, like it has your whole life.

     6a. I feel like I'm sailing aimless and directionless.

• This is also not true! This is just another complicated thing that you think you're supposed to feel in any time of transition or change. You've got a map, whether you know it or not. You know precisely where you want to end up. 

     6b. Okay, I know where I'm going and what I want, but I don't have any clue how to get there.

• False! You've just made this awesome list. This is your map. You've gotten to the heart of your biggest issues and concerns. You know what is a "big deal" and what can be thrown overboard. The things that are left over are tools, a compass, a steering wheel, sails, and a really awesome telescope. Before, you were carrying around everything but the kitchen sink because you thought you needed everything under the sun to solve your problems. But less, my dear friend, is more.

Final Assessment: 

1. Change hurts and expecting otherwise will only lead to more pain. 
2. Other people have led their own lives, and expecting them to understand mine is a fruitless endeavor. Teaching them is better, but only if they express a desire to be taught.
3. Love will come, but the more I try to control it, the more elusive it will be.
4. My faith is my own.
5. The guilt and shame and self-loathing I feel are solely the result of societal, familial, and religious conditioning. These emotions stem from not being what others expect or want me to be. The mistakes I've made in my past are also a result of these same emotions. 
6. Understanding WHY I feel the way I do allows me to embrace my truest self and to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made in the past. Forgiving myself does not mean forgetting or brushing off those mistakes. It means seeing them for what they are.
7. Having an "anchor" is just another societal expectation. I have an anchor, and only I will know when it is time to drop it again. I will know what that time is. It is no one's business but my own.
8. I have loving support all around me. I just need to learn to see it for what it is and accept that support, like a plant, must grow, sometimes slowly.

Now this is a manageable list!! It has cleared away a lot of the external junk that was only creating more problems and not contributing to the solutions. I realize that this might seem like it over-simplifies, but I promise that if I were to actually do this exercise for myself (which I genuinely wish I had done years ago) it would be much lengthier and would have taken much longer to write, maybe even weeks or months. And that's okay too! I also realize that some people are dealing with things much more involved than I am. Some people are still married. Some people have children. Some people want desperately to remain an active participant in the church. Some people have been literally rejected by their families or friends. I can (almost) promise you that if you start with the big issues and whittle them down, you will arrive at a bite that will be much easier to chew and digest. I can (really) promise you that the more you learn to look at things with your own eyes and not through the eyes of others, the happier and more confident you will be. 

Let me know how it goes!