Next Up: My Dad!

I feel like one of the voices that tends to get left out today is that of the father. There are groups and websites devoted to the mother's side of the coming-out story, which is awesome, but we don't hear much from the dads, who often have unique struggles of their own. I wanted to get that side out there so that people can not only see what my dad went through, but also to help other dads see that they are not alone. Like my mom, my dad has come a long way since I came out when I was 18. We all have our own journey, and this is my dad's:



My son has asked me to answer a series of questions for his personal blog. Let me preface my answers with this note. Justin’s mother and I were divorced when Justin was 5 years old. With his mother having primary custody my contact with Justin was diminished to alternating holiday visits and 8-week summer visits. Therefore, some of my observations of [my son] growing up come with an entirely different view than most fathers would have.


Just for context, could you briefly list your background, professions, etc.?

I recently retired after being a law enforcement officer for the past 36 years. I spent the last 16 years of my law enforcement career as a Chief of Police for the City of Blackfoot. I have a Bachelors degree in Vocational Education and a Masters of Education. I taught for 8 years at the Nevada Police Academy and as an Adjunct Instructor at Idaho State University. Prior to working in law enforcement I worked for Mountain Bell Telephone as a Lineman and Installer/Repairman. Prior to working for Mountain Bell Telephone I served in the United States Air Force. I hold a 2nd degree black belt in Budoshin JuJitsu and taught martial arts for many years.


How would you describe Justin as a young child?

My strongest memory of Justin as a young child was that he was the “entertainer.” He always wanted to be the center of attention. If you did not pay him the attention he wanted, he found a way to get your attention. In our home his nickname was “mega-mouth” as he always had to talk over his brothers. Justin was the artistic one in the family. He became the piano player with exquisite talent. I always remember him wanting to help his mom [and step-mom] cook. We bought him play sets when he was young so that he could “prepare” meals for us (he loved to serve his plastic meals). He had his softer side and showed that. His brothers were both on the physical side. I tried to get him to enjoy martial arts like I did but he wanted nothing to do with that, even though both his brothers did.

In what ways would you say Justin was different than his brothers growing up? How did you react to this?

Young me...in my mom's nightgown. Gay much?

I always wanted my boys to be physical like me. Being in law enforcement for as many years as I was develops a certain persona. I became very opinionated over the years. Due to seeing the worst of the worst at work I had a tendency to shut down when I was at home... I became a workaholic and [was] self driven for my own reasons. I worked full-time as a police officer, part-time as a bouncer in a bar, and went to school full-time working on my degree. This left my wife to raise the boys, as I was seldom home. The boys (including Justin) competed for my attention when I was home. I would become upset with Justin, as it would seem at times that he did not want to do the same things as I and his brothers did. He would tag along but would seem to have an attitude when doing so. While his brothers might want to play “cops and robbers” Justin was more intent with things like playing “house” and games. He was an intellectual. He liked to read and got good grades whereas his brothers both would do the minimum to get by in school. His brothers' idea of reading was a comic book. As for how did I react to this, I think you will find my answer in the next series.


How would you characterize your relationship with Justin during his pre-adolescent and teen years? Did you notice changes in him during that period?

Justin and his brothers were thrown into a very nasty divorce at a very young age. Justin was only 5 when his parents were divorced. He saw both of us at our worst. When I did have custody of the kids it was usually on my days off so my time then became devoted to the boys, usually doing what they wanted to do. When they would visit we would travel, go camping, [go to] movies and spend what I considered quality time together. My time was limited with the boys after the divorce so we normally would stay as active as possible. I would have the boys a short amount of time each year as they grew up so I always wanted to do what they wanted (to keep them happy). I did my best to maintain communication with the kids trying to call each week and almost always getting them what they asked for on birthdays and Christmas. I bought guns for Justin’s brothers, but he had no interest in them which bothered his “macho” dad. I remember buying My Little Ponies for him. I never questioned his liking different toys than his brothers. You have to remember, I was always very cautious of doing anything that I perceived the boys would not like. Their mother and I battled for years and [because of that] I was always careful to try and maintain a relationship with my boys.

Justin’s teen years became very emotional for me. He started dancing and then he went into ballet. I have nothing against ballet (not something a macho guy gets into) but I enjoyed watching my son dance. I always asked him about upcoming performances and I always did my best to fly to Phoenix to watch him perform even though it was a financial burden for us at times. But I wanted him to know that I was interested in what he was doing and I longed for his acceptance that I cared about what he was doing even though I was 1000 miles away.

I saw mood swings in Justin during his teen years. I could tell when something was bothering him when I would call, but he would never tell me what it was. He told me of his plans to marry, have a big house, and lots of kids. I just took for granted he was talking about his girl friend from dance.

I remember driving to San Francisco to watch Justin dance when he was in a summer dance program at the Marin Dance Academy. He did a solo to a Russian dance. I remember crying like a baby because I was so proud of him. He was so good at what he did. I remember this trip in particular as it was one of the first times that Justin actually talked to me and my wife about helping him out. I already had custody of Justin’s older brother, John, at this time. Justin had been offered an opportunity to return for the school year to attend the Marin dance group. He had a family lined up that he had been living with during the summer that said he could stay with them. Justin’s mother told him he could not stay. Justin actually talked to me and my wife about taking custody of him to allow him to stay and dance in California. Whether Justin knows it or not, this meant a lot to me, but I knew that once he returned to Phoenix [he would] would change his mind. I always felt I was in competition with my ex-wife for the love of my boys and they always seemed to get caught in the middle. But, Justin told me this was something he wanted to do and I was willing to do it for him. I never could understand what happened next. He then went to live in Yuma instead to go to a dance school there during his senior year instead. I always figured his mother allowed that one as he would be closer in Yuma than he would be in San Francisco. [The following spring I was "kicked out" of the ballet company I danced with in Arizona. Since there were no other great ballet programs in our area, and I basically would have been forced to either stop dancing or get sub-par training, I finished out the last three or four months of my senior year of high school in Yuma, AZ, the closest place that had a highly reputable ballet school.]

In the above-mentioned Russian solo dance

Justin was always hot and cold with me during these years. I tried to maintain a “father figure” with him but it was so hard when he lived so far away and his mother had the major say in his life. I always tried to let him know that I was proud of him for his dancing and I always told my friends he would go a long way in ballet. He did end up with the Milwaukee Ballet!!

Justin in a performance with the Milwaukee Ballet Company (with Heather Keckeisen)

What was your initial reaction upon finding out that Justin is gay? And how did you find out about it?

My reaction to Justin telling me he was gay? I think I already knew he was and his phone call just confirmed it. We talked about what that meant “being gay”. I remember asking him to give me time to process what he had told me. [It was actually my younger brother who broke the news to him. It was several weeks later that I gathered the courage to talk to my dad about it on the phone, but only after I had been assured by my brother that my dad was "cool" with it.]


Do you feel like your reaction(s) and concerns as a father were different than those of a mother?

I still remember the day he called and told me. I think I took it better than his mother did. I remember Justin telling me she was in “disbelief” and that she had told him he could change. My main concern at the time was AIDS. My best friend’s brother was gay and he had died the previous year from AIDS. This was a bigger fear to me than my son telling me he was gay. Also at the time, he told me the public was not very accepting of this life style and I worried constantly about his safety.


You said one of the most poignant things to Justin when you talked to him after finding out he was gay: "Sometimes it's people like you who get people like me to change the way we look at the world" (or something like that). Can you talk about this idea? What were the ideas you had that were changed? Can you describe the process of changing them?

I remember telling Justin that it did not matter to me if he was gay. I told him he was my son and that I would always love him (no matter what). I told him he would have to be the one to educate me on what being gay meant. I had no clue. I told him that I knew I was going to have a rough time accepting all this (being Mr. Macho). Parents who do not have a gay child do not have to worry about what other people think about this life style. I now found myself “defending” my son’s life style to people. I could never have pictured me sitting around a table with friends defending the gay life style 20 years ago. I think it helped when I told Justin he would have to educate me on what to expect.


You are not a religious person in the traditional sense. In what ways has this shaped your view of people in the LGBT community?

I am not a religious person. I used to be but I had a falling out with the Mormon Church in 1976 which I have never gotten over; and probably never will. So my views come from a more traditional sense, I guess. I was raised to believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. Because of that union we were able to have children and raise a family together. That is what procreation is all about, right? Twenty years ago I never would have envisioned two men in a marital relationship and adopting kids to raise as their own. That is the bigot side of me showing. But now, 20 years later and having a gay son, I have become more accepting to change. Justin has shown me over the years that his life style is who he is and I had to do some soul searching on my part to find out what that means.


Oftentimes, it is the father whom gay children are most reluctant to come out to. (That was certainly the case with me.) Why do you think this is so, and what advice can you give to fathers who may be having a hard time dealing with having an LGBT child?

It is probably harder to tell the father as we are the “macho” group (at least that is what society tells us). As I said earlier I had feelings that Justin was gay even before he told me. This is not something you want to come out and ask your son so I waited until he told me. As for advice for other dads? Get over it. This is my kid. I love my kid unconditionally (whether he knows it or not) and accept [him] unconditionally.

Dad lovin' us

Us lovin' Dad