My Hero's Journey

As an English teacher, I teach my students a unit about the "monomyth," otherwise known as The Hero's Journey, which is based on Joseph Campbell's work. If you aren't familiar, here's the basic rundown: Carl Jung had this theory about this crazy thing called a "collective unconscious." What this means is that there are certain things in our brains that come "pre-programmed," almost. These things include certain archetypes: mother, father, goodness, evil, etc. He argued that these are archetypes that we all innately share; the knowledge of them is just in our brains, a part of the collective knowledge floating around in the Universe. (I simplify, of course.) Joseph Campbell looked at many of the stories we tell and started noticing that they are all very much alike, almost as though there was a pattern in our stories that is also part of of our collective unconscious. Campbell called these apparent parallels "The Hero's Journey," or monomyth (which means single story).

Campbell posits that this journey contains twelve stages or steps. (I've seen as many as 17 steps and as few as six or seven. I don't know what's up with that. But we'll just stick with twelve.) And basically any story you look at--we use the amazing Finding Nemo as one example in my class--contains, in some fashion, all twelve of Campbell's steps. I'll be supplementing this post with images from The Secret of NIMH, the best animated film of all time.


Recently, while watching videos from this year's Affirmation conference in Salt Lake City, I saw the incomparable, amazing, enlightened Carol Lynn Pearson give a talk about this hero's journey but told through the experiences of an LGBT person. This naturally hit me pretty hard and touched me deeply. (If I ever meet this woman in person, I hope I'm wearing an extra pair of undies because I'm pretty sure I'll wet myself.) Because of a question that has been weighing heavily on my mind recently I was thinking pretty intensely while driving to work this morning. Suddenly, the hero's journey popped into my head, and I knew exactly what I needed to do. It was one of those rare moments in life when some realization smacks you so squarely in the face that you almost have to stop what you're doing (or pull the car over) in order to fully realize its impact and take it all in.

For full enjoyment of this post, I recommend playing the following song
while reading. It's all about setting the mood, right?!
Soundtrack for Act I:

Stage One: The Ordinary World

Source: http://images4.static-bluray.com/reviews/4070_1.jpg

Campbell's ordinary world is an imperfect one. The Hero knows that there are problems, but doesn't yet have the knowledge or tools to fix what he knows is wrong. This is the first 35 years of my life. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know how to fix it. I lived most of this time in Arizona, the place I consider home. I lived in Virginia "for a spell" and then went back to AZ. I lived in Wisconsin for a while and then went back again. Then I moved back to Wisconsin again. I've described in great detail the spiral and cycle of many of these years. I was unhappy. I hated myself. But I was powerless to change because I had no clue what it was that was causing my unhappiness or what I needed to do to change. I succumbed to many temptations in order to make myself feel better; in fact, I grew to rely on and almost be addicted to the people who made me temporarily feel better about myself.

Stage Two: Call to Adventure
This step happened over a period of time and several instances. I had small glimpses and feelings that pulled me away from my current reality and told me that there was something more I was supposed to do, someone better I was supposed to be. Sometimes this call came from a person, sometimes from something I was reading, other times from some song I was listening to. I heard the calls, but I refused them. Almost as if they had been spoken in a foreign language, I was unable to understand fully what they were telling me to do. And in a way, they were in a foreign language.

Stage Three: Refusal of the Call
This is where the hero doesn't feel worthy to be called on the adventure. "There must be some mistake," he says. "I could never accomplish what is being asked of me." I was stuck in a cycle of stages one through three for many years. I lacked the strength to undertake what I knew I must, so I would fall back onto the perceived safety of my "Old Faithfuls" as a poor substitute for the strength I lacked. I kept thinking that something more needed to happen; I just needed to feel better about myself first, build up a little confidence. I refused and refused right up until my brother passed away. And then something clicked.

Stage Four: Meeting the Mentor

source: http://ilarge.listal.com/image/3899761/968full-the
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The mentor is the person/thing who is there to teach the hero and maybe pass on a special object or power. Advice is given. Guidance is granted. Lessons are taught.  My initial mentors were the many interviews I listened to on the Mormonstories and GayMormonStories podcasts, which I listened to every single day. It was through listening to these amazing stories that I learned many things that gave me the strength and confidence and knowledge I needed: First, I have a path in life that is all my own. It my great blessing to live that life and not the life that others prescribe for me. Second, others have taken the same journey I was on and got through it in one piece. Their success gave me hope for my own. Third: The shame I felt for so many years is spiritual poison. Forgiving myself does not mean that I'm brushing off the things I did, which I was afraid of for many years; rather, it means that I acknowledge the things I did in light of the true factors that motivated them and tell myself that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time. Listening to these amazingly spiritual men and women echo the things I had felt and thought and believed for so long made me feel like I was not alone, like I had friends who had come before me to help lay the foundation of what I was supposed and meant to do.

Stage Five: Crossing the Threshold
This is considered the point of no return, the dividing line between the ordinary world and the "magical" world, the place where the real learning and growth happens. This is where the quest truly begins. The hero has gathered information and is feeling a little more confident about who he is and what he needs to accomplish. This is how I see that first Sunday when I went to sacrament meeting. I was ready, finally, to confront whatever I needed to, spiritually speaking, in order to move forward. I had no idea what to expect; I didn't know what I would find or feel or hear, but I was ready for whatever happened.

Stage Six: Tests, Allies, and Enemies
This is where the hero is on his journey in the magical place and has to decide who he can trust and who he cannot. His allies join with him on his journey, helping him fight "the baddies," and everyone else who is not a part of the solution has to be left behind. This is where I was when I had my first meeting with the bishop. I was laying bare my soul and putting myself "out there" in a way that I never had before. I had to test the waters to see what others' reactions to the new me would me. I met amazing people through several other blogs and support groups. I have been inspired and helped by the fortitude of others who are on the same journey I'm on and those who see us on our journey and want to do all they can to help us. At the same time, I've had to reexamine those with whom I associated in the past. I had to reevaluate whether or not to keep some people in my life. Some, sadly, had to be left behind because they were either symbols of my past or were current impediments to my progress. This was much, much harder than I could ever have dreamed it would be. This is the stage at which I began writing my own blog.

Soundtrack for Act II:

"Experience" by Ludovico Einaudi

Stage Seven: Approach to the Inmost Cave
This is the point at which the hero might face some final doubts and fears before he fights the dragon or faces that ultimate struggle. This is what I faced each time I walked in and sat down with the bishop in his office. The meetings themselves with the bishop were also a part of this since it was only after those meetings that I was faced with The Demon that had been trying to kill my spirit my whole life: all the doubt, shame, and self-hate that I have felt since I was a child.

Stage Eight: The Ordeal

Source: http://greaterthanknowledge.files.wordpress.com/
2010/12/amulet-glowing.jpg

After each of my three meetings with the bishop, I was forced to look deep inside myself and confront who I really am. All my inner demons were there when I left his office, telling me that I was too weak, that I could never do this, that I could never change. I sat on my bed and sobbed, sometimes with rage and sometimes with fear and sometimes with regret and sadness. Each time I did this I would put my hands over my eyes and face and scream into my hands, letting my tears slip through my fingers and drip down my arms. One time, before I was supposed to go to the bishop's house for dinner, I sobbed and said, "I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this. I just can't..." I saw images of my past self, all the terrible things I've done to myself and to others, to people I love very much and never meant to hurt. I railed against Fate for stealing the past 18 years of my life. I shook my head and swiped angrily at the tears that refused to be stopped. But each time, I took a deep breath and felt a little better, a little stronger. I knew that I could get through it. I knew I would not just survive but would thrive (cliché as that is).

Stage Nine: Reward (Seizing the Sword)

source: http://www.traditionalanimation.com/wp-content/uploads/
2012/07/SecretofNIMH-Color2.jpg

This is the stage I feel I am now entering. I'm not sure if my Ordeals are over or if there are more to come, but I know that I am becoming a new person. I know that I will not and cannot ever return to who I was before: I have learned too much. I have seen too much. I have felt too much. I have been given a glimpse of the life I will have in the future. I have been given confirmation that I will be happy and will have all the things I have always dreamed of having, the same things I was fighting for when I was so lost in the darkness of my self-loathing.

Stage Ten: The Road Back
On every hero's journey, he has to eventually make his return to home, to the ordinary world. I have been planning on moving to Denver next June; in fact, my heart was set on it. This, moving to Denver, is what I was thinking about this morning that spurred this whole post. But Denver would be something else new, another adventure to begin, another new start. It hit me with certain undeniable clarity that this is not what I should do. Denver is not my home and would be able to give me neither the closure I need nor the closure I have earned and deserve. I made the decision this morning to move back to Arizona. This is where it all started, and this is where it all must end. At first, I had a lot of anxiety because I have talked so much about moving to Denver where my brother and his family are. I was worried about disappointing my family and several friends whom I've promised that I will see soon. But as I was driving in the freezing cold, puffs of smoke from my breath fogging my windows--you know, that stereotypical Hollywood movie scene where the camera is following a person as he or she dramatically has some epiphany while dramatic music plays in the background--I realized that this is my journey, and I have to do, no, I GET to do whatever is right for me. Arizona is the place I consider home. I know now that I have been avoiding moving back there because of all the things I ran away from, but I have to have faith in myself and in my growth that I will be able to face those things and stay strong and true to myself. (An odd story: about two years ago, when I started really thinking about moving, I had my friend's mom read my tarot cards. In the reading, I told her that I was trying to decide between two places to move. After turning over a couple cards, she told me emphatically, "DO NOT move back to Arizona. All the things you ran away from will still be there waiting for you. There are still a lot of bad memories for you there." I kid you not. She actually seriously said this. At the time, I scoffed: What did I run away from, I thought? My mom is there. Several siblings are there. My dearest friends are there. I was, at that time, still ignorant of a lot of things about myself. I now understand why she said that, and I now feel strong enough to face those things.)

Stage Eleven: Resurrection
This is the final face-off with "death." All the lessons learned on the journey are tested to see if the hero really has been changed. This will happen when I get back to Arizona. I will be faced with many of the temptations and bad memories that I left years ago. I will have to prove to myself that I am stronger and able to stick to my desires to have something greater and be someone greater than what I had and was before. I will recognize the walls I had been backed against for so long. I will see the mistakes and dead ends that ensnared me so many times so easily. I will recognize the dear friendships I neglected due to my shame and feelings of inadequacy. This will be my chance to officially become someone new, to be reborn, as it were, to fully embody the person I was always knew I was supposed to be.

Stage Twelve: Return with the Elixir
This final stage is an indicator that the hero is, indeed, a new man. There may be a celebration involved. There will be an acknowledgement from the community of home that the hero has brought something back that can change or help them all. I want to be able to use my experiences to help others. There are organizations I want to get involved with. I want to help others who may be struggling. This is the point at which the affirmation I received a several weeks ago, "It will all be worth it...You will have all that you have wanted," will be realized. This is when I will finally feel ready to meet the man of my dreams. We will fall in love. It will be beautiful. We will have an amazing (outdoor) wedding. We will have a family. Life will be perfect. (Aren't fantasies great!?)

"And love, it seems, made flying dreams

to bring you home to me."

We are all on a journey. We are all heroes. You are a hero. Don't ever forget this fact.